


The Journal of Cullen Stanton Rutherford

by robinwritesallthefanfiction



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Fluff and Angst, POV Cullen Rutherford
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 15:45:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7393531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robinwritesallthefanfiction/pseuds/robinwritesallthefanfiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen is afraid he'll forget. This is how he remembers.</p><p>Rating is for planned future chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Journal of Cullen Stanton Rutherford

Cullen stood on the balcony of Bella’s room, his hand pressed to his mouth, tears streaming down his face. He was trying valiantly not to wake her, but he couldn’t help the ragged sobs that escaped his throat. When he was in this much pain, he saw his future with unusually sharp clarity, and he didn’t know how he could condemn her to that. It would be better if he didn’t love her. She would be better off without him.

As if his thoughts had summoned her, she was suddenly there by his side. “Cullen?” she asked worriedly. “Are you all right?” Then she was close enough to see the tear tracks on his cheeks, and she was holding him gently in her arms. He sank to the floor, clinging to her desperately. Why couldn’t he gather the strength to do what was right and leave her?

“Is it the lyrium?” she asked quietly, and he nodded against her shoulder. His last bad day had been when he had told her everything, when she had stood by him and urged him to resist. He wasn’t surprised that he was having another bad day now. Returning from the Arbor Wilds, dealing with Samson, and worrying about Bella having to face Corypheus were all weighing heavily on his mind. It was too much to bear, and it had finally crashed down on him.

Bella cupped his face in her hands, wiping his tears away and leaning her forehead gently against his. “Everything will be all right,” she assured him. “It will pass.” But looking at her expression, so soothing, so hopeful, a new wave of fear gripped him. It hadn’t worried him so much in the past, but now losing his memories terrified him, and he knew that it could happen whether he was taking lyrium or not.

“What if one day I don’t know you?” he whispered, staring at her intensely, trying once again to memorize her face, to make it so much a part of him that he couldn’t possibly forget it. “What if one day I wake up and I don’t remember falling in love with you, or what our first kiss was like?” He paused, his voice breaking when he finally asked his last question. “What if one day I don’t remember what it feels like to be happy?” 

Bella’s brow creased momentarily, but she quickly smoothed it out, running her fingers through his hair and rubbing their noses together. “Then I will remind you,” she answered firmly. “Every day, I will remind you of who you are and what we are. I’ll never let you forget, not even for a moment.”

Cullen knew that she meant it, but that scared him even more. “I don’t want your life to be like that,” he moaned, reaching forward to grip her shoulders and pull her close. “You deserve so much more.”

He felt her head shake against him. “Cullen Stanton Rutherford,” she murmured, her lips pressed to his ear, “I would rather have one bad day with you than a lifetime of happiness with someone else. I love you more than anything, and I will always be here for you. What I deserve is someone who loves me the same way, and that’s you.”

“I love you,” he said, beginning to cry again. She pulled him up, leading him back to her bed and helping him lay down. She got in beside him, cradling his head against her chest, massaging the back of his neck gently in an attempt to lull him back to sleep. Eventually he quieted, resting comfortably against her, his breathing strained but even. “Thank you,” he mumbled, closing his eyes.

“You’re welcome.” She spoke so softly the words were almost lost. “And I love you too.”

****

Two days later, he was himself again. He’d woken, eaten a hearty breakfast, and made love to Bella twice. In light of that, it was hard to believe he had ever sunk so low. Still, the worries lingered in the back of his mind.

Upon returning to his office, he noticed a wrapped package sitting on top of all of his papers. There was a small card stuck under the silk bow that held the velvet covering on whatever the object was. He pulled it out to read the three words written on it and recognized Bella’s handwriting.

_For your memories._

He laid the card aside carefully, pulling on the burgundy bow until it fell free and peeling back the flaps of golden velvet. Inside was a book bound in burgundy leather. The cover was blank, and he opened it curiously.

There was a small pocket on the underside of the cover for holding important papers. The pages were thick vellum, the lines on them spaced perfectly and drawn in gold ink. He smiled, realizing what the card meant. The book was a journal.

Cullen picked up the card and tucked it inside the pocket, smoothing his hand over the first blank page. Looking inside the velvet wrapping again, he noticed the fine quill pen, topped with a golden feather, and the bottle of deep black ink it also contained. He set the book down for a moment, turning around and clearing the things off his rarely used chair. He dragged it to the desk, sitting in it and opening the journal again. He laid the ink bottle gently to the side, taking the glass stopper out and dipping the quill pen into the well delicately.

He put the tip of the pen to the page and started to write.

****

_Your name is Cullen Stanton Rutherford. You were born in Honnleath, in Ferelden, and you have two sisters, Mia and Rosalie, and one brother, Branson. Mia is older than you. Branson and Rosalie are younger. Your parents died during the Fifth Blight, while you were stationed in the Circle Tower in Ferelden. After the Fifth Blight, you went to Kirkwall, where you stayed for nearly ten years. Then you were asked to become the Commander of the Inquisition, a position you gladly accepted, and you returned to Ferelden._

_You were a templar. You began training when you were 13, and you took your vigil when you were 18. That was when you started taking lyrium. You took it for almost a decade. Then you stopped taking it because you couldn’t be a templar anymore. The side effects of taking it and not taking it are equally bad. You might lose your memories._

_There’s too much you don’t want to lose, so you’re going to write it down here. If you ever forget, read this journal and remember._

_The most important thing to remember is that you can trust Bella Trevelyan. She is the Inquisitor, and she loves you. And you love her. It’s a miracle. Don’t question it. She hates it when you do that._

_You should remember Bella’s face. You’ve memorized it so many times. But if you can’t, just look for the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. That’s her. She’ll smile when she sees you. Her face will light up like a sunrise. If you’ve started to forget, she’ll probably look worried too. There will be a little crease in the middle of her forehead if she’s worried, but she’ll still light up._

_Kiss her when you see her. No matter who’s watching. She’ll like that._

_This is so you’ll remember._

_This is so you don’t forget who you are._


End file.
